Dealing with other peoples stuff

It is raining again today, third day in a row. I don't mind the rain for there is a certain comfort in watching and listening to the rain. Rainy days give time for thought.
My thinking this morning turns to the events of last week. How people turn up at your door carrying bags of there stuff over the shoulder.
The first thing they do is plop it in the middle of the door like that is where it belongs. They wait patiently for you to move it to a place of organization with care and protection while they tell you about all the treasures they tote in these bags.
Precious memories of betrayal, abuse, dishonesty, hurt and anger.
Taking each one to display how unjust life has treated them. When all the time you know, as you listen, this stuff they carry is weighing them down so much they forget to breathe. They need a moments relief to get the energy to take up the load again.
Today, I was questioning my motives as to why I let this baggage come to my door. It is always without announcement. I open the door and there they stand. Maybe it is because I carried so much baggage for so many years and can empathize with the sorrow, self doubt, and pain that I want to help them sort the good stuff from the unnecessary.
Then again maybe I miss my stuff and live vicariously.
I have to ask myself do I ever help them sort the worthwhile from the unnecessary or is it all necessary.
If we learned from good advice then life would be simple. Someone somewhere as already experienced the problem and has a solution.
Are we looking for a solution or a reprieve from life's problems? Why do we keep doing the same thing expecting a different outcome?
I believe it is because we get some self gratification out of the pain and self abuse. Somehow it makes us feel alive. We get validation, a feeling of rightness when we can drop our baggage and someone else will help us carry it for a while.
We consider this a form of love and care. We don't feel so alone in our misery.
I am a solution kind of girl. I believe for every problem I have somewhere my fingers were stirring the pot. Some decision or action I took created the outcome.
I have to do some self evaluation to see what defect of character I am hanging on to and be willing to change. Self honesty. What are my true motives. Most of all I have to look at my expectation of others.
I find most of my problems in life were self created by being dishonest with myself, having a selfish motive and expecting others to do as I want.
What a price we are willing to pay to get our way and when we don't the first reaction is it was not my fault.
If so and so had not done this then I would not have done that.
I am not a victim of my environment, I made choices to create my reality or maybe I should say illusion.
Let me try to put an example to this conclusion.
One friend show up with the sad story I was abused. This was the short truth and every indication that it was the truth by the bruises.
My first reaction was the sorry so and so how dare he. Validation. The second reaction is I will help you so you don't have to go back into this. The third validation is you poor thing. I love you.
Now, after the wounds are cared for, you have validated her misery three times and you listen to the sad story, which is someones fault other than the victim, you feel like a good person and friend. You have shown the attributes of loyalty and kindness and you think love.
The next day you watch the truth unfold as she tells her friends and family how she was a victim and gets more validation and concern.
Then you watch how antsy she gets as to why he has not called to apologize and tell her to come home. Then as she has doubts her powers, the true story come to the forefront.
Now please do not get me wrong, I do not feel anyone has the right to abuse another. But how often do we do this without realizing it. Physical is easy to see but mental and verbal are not always that easy.
Back to the story.
It seems they had been drinking and she wanted the pregnant dog gone. She starts expressing her distaste for the dog which the mate has a fondness for. It escalates and she picks up a cast iron skillet to do harm to the dog. He takes it from her and now in a rage proceeds to beat her with it. She leaves and takes the dog, calling people to rescue her from this crazy person. She finally gets her daughter to come get her and they proceed to drop the defenseless animal off in a "good" neighborhood. She does not call the police as she had been drinking and fears going to jail along with him. She and the baggage arrive at my door uninvited around midnight. The next day she finally gets her phone call she has been waiting for and the lovebirds start afresh on a new honeymoon. Her last words are " You know you love me."
I laugh to myself and think people will go to any lengths to get their way.
When it comes to adult abuse the first reaction is for the victim usually the woman. We like to think she has no options and does not have the power to get out of the way of a moving truck.
I have to ask what was she doing standing in the middle of the road with the headlights bearing down and getting closer.
I can tell you from personal experience it is not from being defenseless. If we live with an abuser we are probably abusive to ourselves and others because we want to live in an illusion instead of reality. We don't like the idea of being responsible for ourselves or the idea we might be alone with the true enemy, ourselves.
Today we can get help and safety. But then again it might be easier to keep someone around to blame. Both are sick and need some sort of honesty.
The chain can be broken but not with enabling the problem.
Yes I have seen women stay until they were killed, maimed or went to prison for killing the abuser. This is so sad and I feel for both parties. Man and woman, they have both gone through self hell. A sickness that is so cunning that the truth rarely comes to the surface.
Now you are probably asking yourself, did I tell her the truth to break the illusion. The answer is yes. Did it change it, no. The outcome was the same.
Will I enable her again? No, I will take her, if she makes the decision, to a place where she can get some professional help. If she decides not to do this, I will have to ask her to call an enabler to come get her and validate her insanity.
To me this is how you love someone. My motto if it's a true emergency you need to call 911 they are equipped to handle it.
I have to go now and look for my own baggage. Noticed the other day it was getting a little heavier than usual. Wonder what treasure I picked up along the way.
Better yet think I will unpack it and take a trip. LOL
I wish everyone a light day with laughter and play. xoxoxo